A Fine Ending to My Life as a College Student

UP graduation ceremonies take place next week. I submitted the final bound copies of my thesis a while ago and all I feel is this burning desire to bitchslap everyone I see. Hard. Maybe I can bitchslap you with not one, but two extra copies of my thesis which I had to take home because the department can’t seem to make up their minds on how many copies we need. I saw some poor girl walking around with 5 copies of her thesis, does that mean she’ll be taking 3 home? She can make a thesis-fort, it’s like a pillow fort for pretentious academic types.

After I picked up my theses this morning from the book binders, just as I was avoiding a jeep I ended up slamming my car into a boy who was crossing the street. So he gets in the car and off we go to the infirmary. While awaiting the doctor’s orders, I’m pissed as hell. Being an incompetent noob makes you hate yourself. I also want a drink, but that would be a horrible idea at a time when you narrowly missed having a police report filed for driving like a noob. The kid I hit is apologizing to me for some strange reason, so I guess he realizes that you’re not supposed to cross the street with your back turned. He’s a nice kid though, maybe he’ll girlfriend me and we can forget about this whole mess.

Turns out the kid’s a freshman and the unfortunate turn of events that morning concluded his first year at UP. ‘What a shitty way to end the year,” is the first thing on my mind, but he’s smiling, probably because he feels badass. People can ask him where he got the scrape on his elbow and he can be all, “oh this little thing? got hit by a car. I’m okay though. Hardcore sa UP eh.” Then I realize that I hit him on my way to submit the last of my requirements for graduation, thus concluding my entire stay at UP. Any signs of celebration? Well, I do feel like pouring beer on my face and running the hell out of there. Other than that, nothing.

After we patch up his arm and swap contact details, he runs back to his dorm on this campus where he will spend the next 5 years of his life (hahahaha, engineering majors. fail). I drive off to work where the next 5 hours last for an eternity. The end. So much for pomp and circumstance.

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