I keep saying I want to be with someone who’s kinder and smarter than I am, but it just gives me license to do less with my self. I’ve gone back on my notes here, and the first one was based on Miranda July’s “Are you anyone’s favorite person?” I know I’m not, and I can’t blame anyone for not having me as a favorite person, but I’d like to be worth the title and it definitely means not being a butthead.

Being loud and obnoxious intimidates people. Remember when you enjoyed being intimidating? High school was fun. Loud and obnoxious however does not stand-in for being worth anyone’s while, it also makes you a “butthead,” apparently, which I’ve been called on several occassions. Sometimes I’m not even sure if this is out of genuine affection.

I’d like to lose the whole “butthead” tag, because who gets called a butthead at 24, really?

In fact it’s turned into some kind of crutch for a lack of actual personality. I don’t want to eventually adopt all the other obnoxious butthead traits, like being proud of my alleged buttheadedness. I get that the label comes from pissing people off by telling them exactly what I think of them, to their faces. But these are usually the same people who complain about being plastic. And I’m not braindead, I don’t mouth off without considering what it could do to you. You know who you are. Make up your minds.

Yet, I still prefer what your ilk call “butthead” to passive-aggression. If you need to get along, it usually means confronting your problems with people. I hate passive-aggression. I prefer the kind of relationship where we tear at each other’s egos out of an honest need for self-assessment, rather than those silly get-togethers where we talk about whoever isn’t there, or dealing cheap shots on facebook and twitter.
Continue reading “Plasticities”

When did they eliminate the bases?

The ones I like, I’m too shy to ask. Answers are the new bases, and I’m convinced there are a lot of answers floating around that I wouldn’t know what to do with, once I have them. “Do you like me?” feels too intrusive. Following it with, “…or are you just exceptionally nice?” seems vague. I try to let actions speak for themselves, because somewhere along the way, I was told that this it the “mature” thing to do. But I’ve been out of the loop too long to understand what I’m reading.

It’s not as simple as finding clarity in set points anymore. None of that “M.U.” “Bridge” bullshit you put yourself through in high school. Now there are no bases. It doesn’t stop at hand-holding, or at waiting with bated breath for meaning: in conversations, in getting each other to like the same things. I’d like to think it ends when you hit that harmony that is comfortable and loving enough to settle into, but how do you even get close to that when you’re starting out; still fumbling for words and the convenience of labels.

Mikey made it as simple as “If you don’t want to, then don’t.” But sometimes I’m still not sure what I want, and what I don’t think I want can be deceptive. Sometimes I really just don’t know. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who has this problem.