Laurel Nakadate, “Stay the Same, Never Change”

While caffeine has its uses, sometimes I can’t help but feel that the chemicals running through my system are just fuel for excuses to do stupid things faster; that all this means is that it will take a lot less time before I screw this up–but that’s just me being cynical about things, and reading into actions that have no underlying meanings.

I’d like to excise the pretentiousness from my system and stop approaching everything as a closed text, but I can’t even be completely honest with myself anymore; as if speaking in code is the only way I’ll convince myself that it’s fine to go about this with one foot out the door. See what I did there? And it never stops. I’d like it to, because I’m sick of all this bullshit with carrying on and pretending it’s okay if things go nowhere.

I have my fair share of illusions: that I’m doing okay, that I’m focusing on my job, on my self, on my future; when in reality I too would like for something to supersede these things.

Despite the obscene amounts of coffee I guzzle each day, I still can’t seem to wake. the fuck. up.