Becoming a BETTER ME with The Tangential, and other things I am learning on this weekend of isolation and self-help

You don’t have to tell me about the difference between having time and making time, okay! I know! I know! And my ear, it fucking hurts! If I were to go out tonight, not only will I not be able to hear you and default to yelling because I can’t even hear myself (“MOM! I THINK MY CAT LIKES YOU!” I really said this earlier. Really!), but I will be CRANKY AS FUCK. As I am right now.

This is a situation I am dealing with by reading a lot of self-help blogs. I have also come to consider The Tangential as only the best self-help blog EVER because it offers these gems, which I have listed below for future reference, just in case this ear thing happens again. Enjoy.

  1. After reading The 10 Worst Types of Boys and realizing I’ve dated every one of these guys, once even having all ten (okay, 7 out of 10, which is still pretty appalling/alarming/both) traits packed neatly into one dude (and I use the word DUDE without ANY sense of residual affection for these DUDES), I figured I’d probably be better off just skipping the whole dating game. I’ll probably wait out what’s left of my 20’s volunteering at the animal shelter until I become schizophrenic from constantly having cats rub up against me. If not, I’ll spend the rest of my life working and spending whatever I earned traveling around aimlessly til I contact some crazy STD (because apparently, that’s what happens to people who travel, said this one guy I dated) and render myself forever alone on account of said STD.
  2. And hey, STDs and all, you only live once, RIGHT?!
  3. Was I more fun before I stopped drinking? I haven’t consumed any alcoholic beverages in more than two months and this is becoming a cause for concern…
  4. “It takes between 2-4 years to learn the ins and outs of someone else’s imperfections. That window of time also happens to be enough for one of you to significantly change and do something wacky like become a born-again Christian, gain forty pounds, discover World of Warcraft, or get addicted to Vicodin. It’s unlikely that the first person you fall in love with will survive these first 4 years without putting you through some major compromises. Bumwave.” BUMWAVE INDEED! Thanks for just explaining why and how my last long-term relationship ended!
  5. Counted 4 “Hey, didn’t I see you having dinner at iHop?” guys while watching Amigo. Okay this has nothing to do with self-help, I just remembered. Also, you guys should watch Amigo!
  6. It occurred to me that high school lesbian “phases” probably “do not count” in the “grand scheme” of things. Therefore…
  7. Use big words like “ectomorph” and regale the blogosphere with your insights on “nationalism” and “consuming Otherness” and “Uproot…tion…Uprootion!”
  8. WHOA! I too can style myself into a hot chick! (See “Consuming Otherness” i.e. no. 6.
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