Leeroy New, “Cosmic Cacophony” (2009)

I realized I feel worse about being late for appointments than for making mistakes, which should explain the excellent mood I was in all throughout my appointment with Leeroy New this morning.

I left my keys in the car AGAIN. This is the first time in years, but all the same. It sucks. If you’ve had those moments when the minute they take place, you already know you fucked them up; in which you can (in this case, literally) hear the latch clicking on your mistake? This is that.

But in the grand scheme of things, it’s 500 bucks. To quote Sorkin, it’s a speeding ticket. It shouldn’t be anything, and my being here right now, typing this, shows that it’s not a matter of life and death. Now, I’m just waiting for someone to get here and help me out with whatever it is I need. Now that I’m done worrying about my car getting jacked, my only worry is that he actually shows up.

Other car-related problems: I once drove the Alto into an open sewer. The thing is, the pit wasn’t wide enough for the tire to just tread its way back out of the turbid water. Instead, it just hung there by the rim, kicking up more sewage as I tried to wheel it back out while reminding myself repeatedly of how much I suck at everything I do and I should just quit trying boohoo, life, waaaahhhh everything sucks and no one wants to marry me. My life is as stagnant as this open sewer. I should just go die in a hole somewhere, a hole much like this pit my car is stuck in.

But my life doesn’t even suck! And if I had to count the moments of transient strokes resulting from sheer JOY, I would probably just forget about counting because I suck so hard at Math (Again, about dying in a hole), but I can tell you there have been a lot. The thing is no one really dies from sucking at math unless they had a knife pressed to their throats, unburdening only on the condition that they solve some ridiculous algebraic equation or something. Repeat, life does not suck. It’s just a set of car keys that got trapped –hold up, my guy just got here.

So anyway, I don’t have to dwell on what an idiot I am because I already know. It’s just life, and the great part is we have the luxury of choice when it comes to agonizing over things (except hunger, that’s not always a choice). There are a lot of things that are better than hunger and better than death, and to that list, I can now add, “Paying some dude 500 bucks to pick through my car window using a couple of screwdrivers and a length of wire.”