Going for Broke

A good friend from college wrote me a letter about being in limbo. There are worse things than being in limbo, but you can’t tell this to someone who is still there. I’ve been lost in every sense of the word. I was in college when I saw how futile it is to embark on a project that I couldn’t first see clearly in my mind’s eye.

On the other hand, a dress is just a dress. In which case possible failure is hinged on persistence and imagination: are you willing to try again or would you rather do something else altogether.

Maybe it’s too easy for me to say this because I already knew how to sew and I had access to cheap fabric. I have however made a few mistakes: disappointed clients, bitten off more than I can chew, etc. etc. What made a difference was that fashion and making clothes never meant the world to me. I don’t think I’ve ever had anything mean the world to me, and this could be a bad thing, this could mean I’ve missed out. But I know it has worked, and looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I only started to travel after graduating from college. I was 23. I had no idea what ambition was, I just believed in having nothing to lose from executing a stupid idea.

Right now, I think I have more stupid ideas than smart ones, but even the smart ideas are questionable when we realize how different we are. It became a lot easier to let things be after I admitted to myself that there are some things I’ll want to do that will only make sense to me. I met a woman in Busan who said something to the extent of “I don’t know why everyone has to congratulate themselves for playing it safe.” I guess we all have a practical or sharp retort to that statement, but it makes sense once you realize that safe constitutes one way to live.

I’m not going for broke. I guess I’m at a comfortable intersection because I keep trying. Having kept on trying means understanding what you love to do and why you love it or why even in the midst of all that love, you need to leave. Maybe trying in sense means going for broke? I do know I desire less–not as a symptom of depression, but I want things as the necessity or opportunity arises. There will always be things to need and opportunities to come, and I’m trying to be smart about choosing which to entertain.

Right now I want to revive a kitten, but that can never happen. I can only apologize profusely and sincerely, forgive myself, and move on. Right now, I’m on the fence about going to Singapore to pitch the business plan for a brand, but that would mean derailing myself from two other papers, and I have to be realistic about what I can afford, in terms of time and in terms of finances.

I can’t be completely sure how a person should be because I’m still getting there, myself.

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