If there’s any tableau you can capture me in that can represent my life forever and ever, it would probably be this:
Standing, coffee in hand, dress, stockings, no shoes.
I’m always just about to leave, but preoccupied with the most mundane things. Usually it’s my shoes. Just as I’m about to head out, I can’t find my shoes. Then I’m out the door and it’s my keys or my phone that are missing. My ETA has become substantially later ever since I started having to wear glasses.
So this morning, there I am, me and my sister, tableau. She’s there with her tea and I tell her, “So Blabla might actually be dating Blablabla for real now. I saw it on blablablablabla, she was wearing his blablablabla. And blablablablabla which are shoes, not sandals. What the hell is that.”
“That’s so hurtful.”
I pause to let that sink in, because I hadn’t really thought about it that way. I’d given it other descriptions like stupid or lame or unready, but never the right word to describe how I actually felt, instead of what i thought about it, and about him, and about him and it in the context of this bullshit cycle known as blablablablablaaaaaaaaaahhhh.
But it’s not like I have any other choice. I have to have faith in the matter that things are going to turn out okay, regardless of how I feel right now. I know the title of my blog contradicts this whole idea of setting my feelings aside and just keeping my eye on the prize–a concept I have thought about logically and rationally–and it’s as simple as it’s not right. Regardless of how I felt, none of it has been right.
“lame. cruel. mean. boring. they all belong in the “left in the dust” file of your life”
In the wake of all this, there are days when I feel like the shit, when my ego goes beyond everything I could wrap my head around and I just want to keep high-fiving myself for every little thing I do. But there are those days when it feels like every move I make is comparable to walking into a firing squad.
Fear’s a great motivator because it just reminds you of what you have to lose. Which is nothing, when you have no shame.